It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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