so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
