it's like iHOP with fire
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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