too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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