would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
