He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My life is pants optional.
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