i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
