I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
