My liver just broke up with me...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
