I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
