Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
