I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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