Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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