How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
