somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
