exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
