True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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