No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
