New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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