woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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