youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
