So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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