Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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