Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need a beard to bite.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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