I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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