he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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