if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
