i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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