I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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