I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
