i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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