ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
