hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
