if i can run in heels then i can drive
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
