I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
