The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
