Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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