i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
