I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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