five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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