So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
