Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
