i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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