i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
