are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
