Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
