life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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