seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
