so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
