Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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