Don't make out with my wife yet
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
