hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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