I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
